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2007/1/6 "You Shouldn't Think What You're Feeling" That's when it gets awkward."How did you ever get here?" In pursuit of some Death Cab wisdom, I'm here. I need something, even if that's greedy or selfish I feel sometimes we're entitled to the things which we need. But not always, there's the drug addict's "I need my heroin!" That's not the same thing though, is it? A debatable need maybe. However, they did that to themselves. But hasn't everyone done worse to themselves? Maybe not. Maybe me? So many questions. And if you're a literalist, or simply don't know me, no I am not a drug addict. Atleast not your usual one... I will admit, I get my occasional high off of Tropicana Oj (with added calcium) but everyone needs something to look forward to in the morning. I'm getting side tracked (hyphen needed?) and I really wish my mind would just wash over this sheet and fill you in. Well.. then again maybe not. I have my unintentional secrets, and for them to be posted in public view on this insignificant 'bloggy-thing' would only add to my reasons to come here and rationalize with my clear ability to, for lack of a better phrase "screw myself over". So here I am and here I have been for the past few years when I needed 'it'. Saying, sometimes screaming, in more ways than one what this 'it' that I need is exactly. And what "it" is, is what I've come here tonight to say I need. A person. People really. That is what I need. And not in the creepy "you're such a perv, Shinny" sorta way. Which on that note, I'm sorry for any of you reading whom I have offended for this complete lack of faith in human-kind. I don't really mean to think the worst of us, or what we think, it just comes out that way. I have hope, a lot. I just wish it was answered more than it is. Back to the point, not in the perv sorta way but in the "I need to get through somethings" sorta way. In the way that you find yourself running down the street simply because its the only real way to run away from it all. I guess it lacks originality if you were looking for some running away metaphor, but no one really needs metaphors. They need someone to understand; that one person who can make it all clear. Even if the clearity is accomplished within oneself. And no one needs metaphors for that. They need that one person to sit down and hear (not listen) what it is you are saying. And it's the hardest part because people are awkward. Confrontation is awkward. And stepping out of that wall which I've so easily built is the most awkward of it all. I'm vulnerable, and I know I am. I just wish sometimes it was worth it. So maybe I'm rambling again but that's what I do. And I know exactly who the people are who I need to hear these ramblings. One of them has done it. And as far as the others, I've never let them hear me. I've never said anything. I'm scared. I guess we all just need to "suck it up" sometimes. Hear. Get over it. Save us. And anyone who says the exhausted "I don't need you" is saying anything but that. It's an open "I will spare you from that which I'm sure will uninterest you in my ever-so uninteresting life, while simultaneously sparing us form the awkwardness of human-nature"!!! Three exclamation marks completely necessary in my opinion. That or "Screw you guys, I can take care of myself." And if that's the case, kudos to you. No sarcasm intended. I envy that. I don't really want to sign off now. This is my procrastination. I hate going to bed. It only ever leaves you alone to your own self-destruction. Or just alone to your own lonesomeness. It kind of scares me. I'll submit myself to the task of functioning on my 4-5 hours of sleep a night rather than having to cope with anything. Dark rooms alone with yourself aren't half as bad when you're asleep for it. But I wouldn't recommend it either. Actually, I wouldn't recommend any of the "me" habits. Even the oj. Why? Simple. Because, even if you get the "pulp free" you'll eventually hit what I would most definitely call pulp. Liar-faces if you ask me, unless you like the pulp, but then there's the pulpy kind. So really they're both pulpy kinds I guess, right? In which case they shouldn't call it pulp-free. It should be "our poor-assed attempt at pulp free, but don't worry, cause if you only drink the first half we'll have you fooled up until then". And by the way, damn you Dixie Chicks. As much as I love you, you are wrong. "It's too late to make it right, probably wouldn't if i could!" What is that all about. I guess on the plus side you're honest, I just wish the "Dixie" didn't come after the "Death Cab" tonight. Talk about lack of inspiration. Heh. Signing out: The Shinny you will hopefully one day understand, awkwardness free, for my sake atleast. 2006/11/1 Don't look back, you can never look backI miss my friends, and the summer and everyone actually being around before forgetting about it all. And I know they're not forgetting about any of it, atleast most of them, but thats what happens. High school is insignificant once its over. No matter how much you try and convince each other it will be the entire opposite, that's just the way it will always be. Preschool was insignificant after we left, so was elemmentary, and everything else that we've left to move on to higher things for. Complete superiority are those which beckon us forward. What's behind is merely the past. "You shouldn't dwell on the past" is not simply the saying. It's the way of life. The only thing stopping us from forgetting completely; on the rare occassion that this is the actual case, are our scrapings of pictures, lost memories triggered by things as fragile as that once sense of belonging. You know what I'm talking about. Those little things you look at or think about that make you think "gosh, what were we thinking?"..."I mean, who knew parading through a forest on a stomach [ and mind ] full of alcohol could have been such a bad idea?" But everyone knows the bad ideas always make for the greatest memories. Which when you think about it, that's really all they are; memories. Its 11 o'clock, and the only reason I know I really should be writing right now is because of the time. The time and the past few nights...I guess staying up past 12 on school nights for what's almost a month now eventually tells you that you need to spill somewhere. This is the somewhere, which eventually will be a nowhere, becuase its the past, and I'm cynical like that. Kinda like grade 11... Now I remember.. from the memories, why all summer was how it was. Sadly. Some memories aren't bad to have as simply memories I guess. You think of memories and there's always going to be the good and bad. The ones you want, or those you wish you'd never made. I know I have. I guess I also know I was wrong to have taught that. I like my memories, theyre everything that makes me 'me' even if I don't quite like that 'me' lately. People are meant to be coming back soon. I hope its true, maybe they'll be able to help bring me back. That doesn't make sense I'm sure, but it does to me, and sometimes that's all I need. Everything's just a memory if that's all you let it become. Signing out: shinny. 2006/7/5 10:06 Means something.. somedays. Hear it:I'm just going to write. No introduction or leading in unless of course you accept this as a lead. I mesed up today. Not just today, a lot. Today was just one of those days that I realized 'it' was happening again. I hate 'it'. I can't help being cryptic, it's the only way I feel I can say stuff sometimes.. without really saying them. There's so much I want everyone to know, but at the same time, only so little I'm willing to tell them. Maybe only becuase there is so much I'm willing to tell them, and only so little I want everyone to know. Indecisive? Clearly.
I'm still on that program. Some of you know what I'm talking about, others not so much. For those who do know what it is, I haven't been entirely committed to it. I'll probably need to work on that after tonight. It's just sometimes a little out of the ordinary. I'm not into listening to something that has me completely figured out in some aspects and then start denying half of what is being said. And only when I'm in a slightly sane state can I realize that the other half is infact true too. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I don't know why I started in the first place, this wasn't a planned topic. Tonight was one of those nights which represented all of what summer is and has been for me the past few years. The reasons why I love this season, and at the same time hate it. Contemplations in my crowded mind leading me to the front porch only ever helped me avoid coming here to spill to the world. Good and bad. I just wish everytihing I had to say would come out so clearly as when I was sitting outside, watching the world pass me by. It's always so much easier to think that way. I don't in anyway find this monitor or the walls surrounding me even the slightest bit thought provoking. They rather shun me into the false illusion that I really have nothing to say, or any reason to. They're wrong. Most of the time. This being one of those times. So why am I here? Becuase I found myself sitting on the steps and forcing myself to go get a sweater. But why was that? If I could tell you, I most definitely wouldn't have taken this long. You'd hate me, I'd hate me, but then again we'd be even. However so, I can atleast truthfully say I was there for what is real. What is and what I hope will be one of the greatest 'reals' I'll ever come close enough to experiencing. Just the people. Walking, driving, or wandering. They come in pairs, with families, and most importantly by themseleves. Going each way... I reckon it's not simply for exercise. So they're me. Portions of what I was and wish for now. Reminders that reality tv is only as real as Hollywood. Greatly insisting that this is 'it'. Us at our best. And Us at our worst. But even when we are on the worse end of things we won't be joined by everyone. You'll be alone!!!! *muahaha*? I'm only teasing because it leads to my point. If I were completely accompanied everytime I got down do you think I'd have any hope of getting up? I can't say I would. Some of you would, you're strong like that. But not me. So why do we get jealous when we see how happy others can be at those times when our lives are such a great contrast to theirs? For the times it doesn't manage to make me increasingly more down it only ever provokes me to envy them enough to actually do something about it. And shouldn't it? It's something to reach for. So whether what you want is actually doable, or simply something to reach for, it's good to have it on that pedestal. For all the time we only see it from the bottom view, it gives us something to look up to. It makes us climb the steps that we wouldn't ever have come across, or for that matter have any means to climb.
I'm meant to go to bed now, apparantly I'm "only writing emails" but once again I can't correct the statement, that would show a willingness to explain something I don't want to be known. But if you've read to here, you already know it. Maybe even a good 'it'. What am I rambling about? Signing out: Me. the just writing emails me. 2006/6/29 So... by the way, who are you again?I forced myself back into this little online world for the time being. I have yet to figure out my reasoning behind this blog, but I know when an opportunity for venting is needed, and today is definitely one of those days. July - No, June 29th. And here I am sitting in a kitchen chair mindless tapping at my keyboard. Have you ever stopped to wonder who it is you're actually reading about? Do you know me as a friend? Or just some person's space you ended up coming across. Sometimes I wonder about those who post insights of their life on these things too. I mean if you think about it, the majority is left up to the reader's interpretation; maybe that is the soul beauty behind writing. You may not know my name, my favourite flower or even what type of juice I take for breakfast. Apple or orange? But must you? No. And maybe that's what I like. This isn't the entire essence of who I am. It's just a glimpse into how I think... what I feel, and what I want to say but sometimes don't get the chance to. It's the person behind that general screenname "Shinny". But no, this blog shouldn't be entirely about me.. So, a question to you. How many people can truthfully deny that not once in their life have they ever related someone else's experience to their own life? I hope the answer is none of you. I mean, that's what history is for, is it not? Learning from everyone else's 'screw ups' if you will, or on the positive end, learning from their successes. So if these are my attempts at rendering an ounce of relativity, whether similarity or entire difference then so be it. So I will be back in the near future with a new blog. Me. Shinny. No one else. I just need to figure out who Shinny is first. Signing out Shinny: Take what you want from every inch of life, and never surrender in the fight for what you need. -shinny (P.S. - I don't think I've ever punctuated a title that much before in my life). Quote of the dayQuote of the day: "I want to shoot myself in the face" (And just because I'm the only one who said it, doesn't mean the entire english class wasn't thinking it). Today was the last day for my enlgish inclass culminating. Simply put a culminating is one of the final examination tasks for a class. More often than not culminatings could be completed just as easily at the start of the semester, but rather teachers choose to haunt us by pointlessly subjecting us to annoying projects worth 15 % of our mark... as if we're not already under enough stress. So now onto english. We were given three days to right a comparative essay on Shakespeare's Othello and the film Amadeus. Knowing me I did something on the failings of society (go figure).. I can't even remember my thesis, or I don't want to, I haven't decided. [COMMAS:D.. fudgescicle !#@!#@] Something about how both Antonio Salieri's and Iago's place within society resulted in them instituting an attack on societal order while seeking a jealous revenge on their respective victim's Amadeus Mozart and Othello. It sounds cooler than it was... And really I don't know how the word 'attack' ended up in there.. most likely triggered by some sub-concious rage issue resulting from that paper. So it was rushed.. Very rushed... And myself and my friend mike stayed to talk to our teacher after class. I just can't understand how some rushed essay will determine how well we can write. It won't. It will only determine who can write fast. And for everyone I know who likes writing and for everyone who can write, they need time to work on it, and that's how they do well. You can't just rush through it. Then there's always the argument, "we're preparing you for university". What do I think? (EFFF that) I think it's ridiculous. Good writing takes time, I don't care what level of school you're in or how old you are. The Mona Lisa sure as hell didn't take 3 hours... ok, maybe a bad example I'll try again. Ok. Shakespeare didn't rush through his works, and even if he did it wasn't all his work. In which case we'd practically get beaten for plaigerism. Ok, I'm mocking the system. That's alright sometimes though, isn't it? Maybe. I answer a lot of questions with 'Maybe'. Perhaps I should work on it. Maybe. Gotcha. I'm done here. I've got soccer and too much on my plate.. I can take it I guess though. 100 years just started playing. And anyone who knows anything knows Five for Fighting is awesome. And even if you don't know anything... you should know they're awesome. Instigator? Definitely. Sorry. Failings. Signing out: Shinny... and if shinny only has a 100 years to live she will surely spend more than three hours writing a paper... And it will turn out better than anything less. I promise. 2006/6/11 Double-U-BeeHello to everyone, I know it's been quite a while.... a very long while.... not counting the little insignificant prom posting that is... So I just wanted to let everyone know, for those who care, and those who don't that I got a new comp today, vaio pc if u must know... (my old laptop was fried) which means blogging should be up and back again, I certainly do have a lot to talk about and as some of you I'm sure know, most of my postings were done in the early hours of last summer... I don't know if that's because my best thinking was done then, or if it just inspired my most unanswerable questions of life in the abyss of my sleep deprived mind. My instincts urge me to conclude with the second of those two possibilities. Never the less, I will most likely be resorting to such reasoning once the summer begins... and how I do hope it would begin. Until then, smiles and good health. Signing out: Shinny wants summer. p.s. the title = w.b. which = welcome back... 2006/5/7 PromSo prom was on Friday. It was absolutly incredible! Andy came with me and we were matching as you can see by the pictures lol. We decided it'd be easiest and best to drive down ourselves, and our friends Derek and Mallory came too! When we got there, we sat at table 25 and it was myself Andy, Derek, Mallory, Caitie, Danielle, Callie, Skye, Lydia, and Alyssa at that table... pretty sweet :). Then I went to Christine's for an after party.. talked an ate:) and then went to sleep... After that hetic night Andy and I went to our friend Dan's in killbride on saturday (last night).. and now I am writing this..... 2006/1/21 For lack of a better wordSo, since the accident, aka GHAC, I haven’t really been allowed to run. And seen as running usually comes during times when I need to think, and blogs go hand in hand with thinking.. I’ve kinda of been neglecting both. Somehow blogs and running are closely related. Perhaps because of the sense of freedom that both bestow upon my mind, but nonetheless, it feels nice to finally not be overlooking the importance of at least one of them. I got a gym membership for Christmas. I think it’s my new way of slowly getting back into activity. I really like it. Still though, there’s something not quite the same about running on a treadmill vs. on trails outside; getting back to the whole freedom issue. So grade 11 hasn’t been the greatest year. Starting with the kickoff of GHAC. In my mind it’s all rather ironic. For those of you who didn’t know me in grade nine, I hated the idea of highschool. The only thing that helped me get through that first semester was knowing that at the end of every school day I’d have cross country practice. Back bleachers, can’t be late. And somehow, rather miraculously, I managed to not dread each day so tremendously. So what’s ironic? How the one thing that got me interested in highschool, ever managed to mark a time of such great contrast. Since that day in October I feel like I’ve lost myself. And what have I gotten out of it? This: No matter how down you may be, no matter how many curve balls life throws at you, and no matter how many times you need to fall before you learn perfectly well just how to stay up, it will never justify your reason of being to merely act like nothing happened and continue on your way. And sure, there will always exist that state of mind, that to be courageous one must move on, acting as if nothing is wrong and face the world as it is. But as I’ve learned, this isn’t the case. To be strong, and to pretend are two different things. I wasn’t one to figure this out by myself. Two days ago I ran into a tear-covered-friend. A friend who was convinced that they had no courage at all. As far as I’m concerned, they’re one of the strongest people I know. While everyone else was walking around in their bubbles of lies, that friend was standing there, everything out in the open, unafraid. And that’s when it hit me. Walking in and pretending to be just as normal as everyone else, is only cheating yourself. Chances are, most people you meet will be running from something as well, because they too, took the so called "path of bravery". To face the world can be rather hard. But when pressured with the choice of facing the world or looking at a dilemma with an intent to truly work on it, most people will likely take the easy road; the world. And then there’s me. The girl who can’t help but hide most things in a world of her own. Not totally unexplainable though. Thus bringing us to the second thing I’ve learned in these months. Regardless of how few people you speak to, that number will always be significantly greater after the first person gets word. You can’t ever hide at this age. I’m not sure if that will ever change, but for now I’m fully convinced that the more you try to remain in your own confinement, the spotlight will find you sooner than if you were screaming at the top of your lungs. So here’s what it all comes down to. You can either try communicating with one or a small number of people and run from the spotlight of the inevitable after math rumours or, put it all on the table for everyone to know, thus avoiding any confusions. Personally, I can’t imagine either of them being good ideas. Leading us to theory number three. Stories will spread just as quickly as it took you to begin them. And with them, misconceptions will arise. The only way to get out unharmed, is to, for lack of better words, "not give a damn." And why does this all relate to me? Rather simply actually. I mentioned that this hasn’t been the greatest year. On the other hand, my confrontational skills have been put to use, all because I’ve been caught off guard more than a few times. And when thrown into water, I just so happen to notice that, "Hey Sinéad, guess what? Your limbs are tied together". Life is beautiful? Sarcasm not intended. I just sometimes wonder what everyone else can be feeling in that school on their way in and out everyday. Unless you are all numbed, and in that case, tranquillizers should be shared. And if you fully agree with that statement; the reference to life’s beauty, then please, take my shoes, because I’m looking forward to starting it fresh again, even if I have to take a few steps away from it all to accomplish that. You can’t stop people from talking, because without your lives to make reference to, they’d only have their own, and how devastating that would be. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve said things in my life, many of which I regret, but just as many that I wouldn’t take back. Enough have called me stubborn, and even more have chosen other words and closely succeeded in making this so called "loyalty" extinct. Regardless of this, if you’re standing outside the circle, it rarely matters that you’re holding the answer sheet, because inside, everything is already being newly formulated. And you know what’s funny? Neither of them ever match up. So I’ve been getting questions, being asked to explain things, and sometimes called cryptic, but for me I don’t see how this can be done any easier. I’m at school every day. My lockers still in the same place. And no, I’m not always that quiet. Maybe this isn’t me hiding. Maybe the non-talkative version of me, truly is screaming everything left to say, and at the top of her lungs. Because sometimes, there’s only so much that one can say, or even is willing to, because once you pass a certain point, there’s only so many people who will notice the change in heart. And after explaining so many times, and after trying to be heard countless times, its not too long before words are useless. I’m seeking a change. How drastic or non-drastic it will be, I am uncertain at this point. All I know is, one is definitely needed. So for those who learn, those who try, and for all those people who prove, and continue to prove what real courage is, this blog goes out to you. And for Andy, who never stops listening, except when the silence can easily say more, I love you and thanks. Signing out: Shinny; how’s that for talking? 2005/10/29 It's been better..So Wednesday October 26th, was the GHAC meet for cross country. It was our divisions qualifying race for OFSAA (provincials). I made it in grade nine, and last year aswell. This year, I didn't luck out so well. Since grade eight my knees have been getting progressively worse. Patella femoral syndrome, and patella tendinitis.. are not friendly things lol. Anywho, so my knees were locking even before I got on the course. But it wasn't that bad, I've kind of gotten used to it always being like that. So race starts, I'm feeling fine.. about 1500 metres in we pass a group of crazy cheering ND coaches and senior guys in the orchard, and that's where things start to get fuzzy. About a minute later or somewhere around the 2k of 5km mark I got really dizzy. I had just passed an on-the-course-marshall, and I think I was on one of the turns that make it hard to see people at. Apparantly I went down, and I'm guessing one of the other runners told the next marshall.One of my coaches got there about ten minutes later, who would have thought it's that hard to get help for someone when they have a school shirt, and their name stickered to themselves. Heh. So they told me I was hyperventilating, and not responding. I finally started to come back around in the ambulance. The funny thing is, I ended up delaying a whole senior boy race by 20 minutes in the freezing COLD weather!! I felt bad though, even though they managed to steal warm clothes from the midget grade nine guys. they let me out of the hospital about 40 minutes after I got there because I had gotten a lot better in that time. Thursday night though, I got a really bad headache, and because of what had happened, they expected to see me back there. I was there from 7:30 pm - 11:30 pm. They did a bunch of tests including a cat scan. It was nice though, because on my way out from the cat scan in my wheelchair, I looked up through a window and saw Andy coming to visit me:). It was so sweet, he had just gotten off work at 9:30 and came to visit me until 11 when I kicked him out cuz it was getting late. Then he kissed me bye on the cheek when I was semi-sleeping and he said he was all scared later because my parents were there when he did it:) aww i love him. Back to my story. Sooo they let me out at 11:30 but told me to be back at 8 AM... geez. So 8 am comes I'm in for my mri and the neurologist isn't there.. oh my.. 10:00 rolls in and they say he's going to be attending another family for a while, superb. So while we waited my mom and I got some breakfast at tim hortons. Peach juice toasted plain bagel with butter, and some timbits for later:) (btw, who knew tim horton's made honey cruller timbits now?? mmm heaven). On the subject of timbits, we ordered 20 and the guy gave me 35!!! (yes, i counted) which made me happy... until conor found my stash when I got home, that THIEF!!! hehe. And so the neurologist saw me after breakfast and asked me a whole ton of questions. Do I look like I'm on the pill?? or taking drugs? So i strarted laughing and he said " you must answer honestly" I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HALF THESE DRUGS ARE!!! haha yes, he listed them. Andyes, he moved my mri to monday or tuesday... But anywho somehting about me maybe getting random ceisures.. but that's why they want to do the mri to maybe try and figure it out. Meanwhile, I'm not allowed to do any physical activities until the tests are all done and back. There's a halloween thing tonight though, so that should brighten the week a bit.
~ Signing out, the ever healthy shinny;) 2005/10/9 Guest BookGuest Book
Hey everyone, this is just a guest book so if you wanna leave a shout out or a message for me, this would be the place to do so. Tell me what you think about the site! <3 luvss Random CommentsRANDOM COMMENTS HERE PLEASE
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~ shinny binny bing bang 2005/9/5 Here's what I think of yah'
2005/8/13 Just becuase it's true..It's like in those happy ending movies that leave all the girls wishing it were a true life story of their own life. When the girl in the movie falls in love with that boy who just so happens to be her best friend. And everything gets better from there. I loved you then for who you were, now for who you are and will later for who you will become. You are my world Andy ~ Forever and always.
(¯`v´¯) .`•.¸.•´ ¸.•´¸.•*¨) ¸.•*¨) (¸.•´ (¸.•´ .•´ ¸¸.•¨¯`•..♥* • 2005/7/27 I give you ... TUNES!Thanks to the wonderful help of mickey drum roll please *drumming noise thing* WE HAVE MUSIC:D muahahaha. Merci. 2005/7/24 Music Help PleaseOk. I have a request. I have been attempting to have music on my site for a while, but as I am technically challenged well... you don't here music do yah? haha. So, if anyone with such knowledge would like to help, or could, please leave a comment to this blog. Thanks:) 2005/7/8 Neverland; Please let me in!!!So, tomorrow is my birthday. It's kind of hard to believe I'm going to be sixteen. I mean, I'm sure you've all heard people complaining about their age, and not wanting to get older but do you here it from teenagers that often? Didn't think so. I don't want to grow up. If I had the choice I'd allow myself to be whisped away by Peter Pan until we hit Neverland, but... I don't have that choice. I love being a kid. Every last drop of it. I hated that point in my life when I saw my brother with his first girlfriend. It only meant two things. For one, he didn't actually hate girls. And two, he could not possibly have any spare time for such childish games that his 15-month-younger sister would want to play. Right? Positively. So what if I was fourteen? I used to idolize my big brother. However, times change. People grow up, and they can easily forget just how much fun those summer time games of tag and roller hockey were when you're waving a member of the opposite sex, a beer bottle, or even perhaps some car keys at them ( No, not at the same time.. jeez I'm not that destructive). This growing up thing doesn't all refer to my big brother. I guess I just kinda witnessed him saying good bye to his childhood first. I don't want that to happen to me. I mean, sure adults have fun and what not, but it just doesn't seem the same to me. I mean, propose a game of spin the bottle to a group of 6-year-olds (figuratively speaking of course) and they'd most likely turn it into a game of keep away, or monkey in the middle prior to the shattered glass. Then comes the best part, hiding from "the enemy" aka mom or dad. Just looking around at today's youth is scary. It isn't even as if all these changes and first senses of adolescence develop in highschool. Do you have any idea how hard it was to get a group of 12-year-olds in grade 7 to do something other than sit and look pretty at recess? Don't even get me started on grade 8. *Sigh* And that's all the past now. Three hundred and sixty-five days ago tomorrow though, I wasn't this happy. Call me a hypocrite, I guess it would make sense. But I am most certainly proud of how this year has ended. I don't ever remember learning so much about myself in the course of a year. Maybe that's what this whole growing up thing is about. Getting to know, well... you. I guess life takes a little slowing down for that to happen then. Just maybe. Still though, what a year that was. I made some of the greatest new friends, further developed with old ones, and even lost some as we both went our seperate ways. They helped me to figure out who I was, when I couldn't seem to conquer that task alone. But for some reason beyond my grasp I never felt so alone at the start of that year. I guess it took continued peer pressure; the good kind, for me to find a healthy compromise. Needless to say, in the end that compromise dissolved, and I never witnessed a more perfect all for all solution. It's funny how things work out. I have to go coach my under 5 soccer team now. What can I say? Those kids keep me young. Hah. I'll finish writing when I get back. *Time lapse* Yes, my initial point was definitely reinforced by my little soccer team. Sometimes I just look at them and wish I were that age again. You know, my mom says that too me all the time. "I wish I was fifteen again."And it's sad to think that in just 2 hours, I'll be 16. And most likely thinking that very thing. Maybe I'll grow to like it though. I'm pretty certain if I were to continue wishing the past hadn't happened so fast I might miss out on the present. Besides, I love life. So, I'll take my own advice and live it up. I'm not really sure what this blog was trying to accomplish. Maybe you know... Signing out: Shinny, question marks included. 2005/7/3 *Sigh**sigh* Young Love. Friday was incredible. It was Canada Day and my parents finally let me go driving with Andy. Andy took me to see the Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants. I swear I gave him a choice! *rolls eyes* lol. After that he dropped me home and was meant to pick me up at 9:30... but... he came at 9:00 so he had some fun talking to my mom while I *ahem* finished getting ready. It was good that he came early though, because Spencer Smith Park was packed when we got down there and it took a while to find parking. When we got to the park we walked down the boardwalk thing for a while ... then Andy saw his friend Nick Mason and then we walked a bit more. Then hehe *best part* Andy asked me out :) So then I said yes *rolls eyes* and then we sat down and watched the fireworks on my blankie. *sigh* I love Andy, he's the most amazing (i don't care if i dont like that word) guy in the world. And the best thing is, he's one of my best friends. I can't remember anyone ever making me this happy. So thx:)<3
Signing out: Shinny Cupid. 2005/6/20 Even if You Say You Have a Reason...Is it ever fair to say the life you live gives you multiple excuses to well... not live? I mean, have you ever really thought about it? Why do so many teens in society think that by turning to smoking, drugs, or alcohol they can erase whatever blame may fall upon their own shoulders by those three little words, "my" "life" "sucks". So be it; I may not have enough insight into the people who I've witnessed profess this claim, but what are you saying about yourself if you think that such an accout takes away any guilt which may have previously accompanied your actions? I know life can suck somtimes; it can bring you to tears, or throw you on that emotional rollercoaster even when you don't ask for a seat. I'm sure being a teenager will be one of the hardest times of most of your lives (or has been) and I know that I have by no means ever experienced just as much suffering as a lot of others. You need to remember though, that it doesn't have to be as hard a time as one may imagine. With so few experiences to draw upon from our life, any consequences or feelings can quickly become distorted and blown out of proportion because, to us, they mean so much more when we can not truly understand how insignificant they will be 10 years from now. And don't get me wrong, we will learn some of our most valued and needed lessons at this time in our lives. A lot of those lessons we will carry with us into the future, and they will serve us a great deal of help. We will make mistakes, choices, decisions, and each one will give us new knowledge. It's whether we choose to utilise that new knowledge that will matter. However, I stand by my initial statement. You can not choose what life you are given. You can not choose who your family is and you can not choose the outcome of common daily events. All you can do is work with what you have been given and do everything you can to further better your life. Merely throwing an excuse infront of your choice of actions will never contribute positively to any aspect of your character. It may be easy to jump on the wagon of excuses as society has left open for us, but is it worth it? I'm not saying one way is easier than the other, but I am positive one will take more work. It will all be worth while in the end though. It won't take much effort to give into the drugs or alcohol, but I know for certain it will not make everyone feel sorry for you. And even if it just so happened to, is giving up on your life really worth it for a few random people to feel sorry for you? And then there's always the other arguement, "I have nothing to live for." If there were nothing to live for, I can guarantee you would not be here today. There will always be something to live for, whether it be now, or in the future, your existence will not stop in a certain place, at this given time. You may have to look a little farther than your best friend to find out what your purpose is, or what it is you're living for, and maybe that will just make the experience better. It's much easier to appreciate something you worked for, rather than something that was just set up for you to accept. This blog isn't meant to offend anyone, or any group of people. It's only meant to possibly enlighten them. So, spare a moment next time someone asks "Why are you doing this to yourself?" Don't give into the temptation to say the overheard "my life sucks." I can't help if you feel that way, only you can. The easiest way to get rid of that feeling though, would be to first stop thinking it. From there on, it's all down hill, so let out your sail. 2005/6/17 What's the deal?So, I imagine some may be wondering where I could possibly have disappeared to. Or, for those of you who do know I am still quite present, you may be wondering why I have not been writing all that many blogs lately. For one reason, this school year is finally coming to a closure. Another reason is I haven't been as inspired to blog as I was before. I know I know... "Why aren't you inspired? What's wrong?" But its quite the contrary. Nothing is wrong. I've stopped biting my nails (ew, I know, but its been a nervous habit of mine for as long as I can remember). My cvs has not so much at hinted its present needless to say nor has it affected me recently, and I'm quite stress free. All in all, it's quite thrilling. All confusion, stress, or uncertainty which you may have witnessed me expressing before has all quite ...well, vanished. *cheers!* But then I thought to myself, what sort of blog would this be if I was always ranting about confusion. I mean, there are definitely a lot more questions and ideas present in one's mind while they are experiencing difficult or confusing times, but I for one would not always enjoy ranting depressive journals. So, I am proud to announce *ahem* I will be spending some time hopefully writing some inspiring (o0o) blogs. I mean, who can't do with a little inspiration from time to time?
2005/5/29 NO!I can't make everyone happy. I just CAN'T. If one friend says to jump, and the other says not to, what do you expect me to do? Hang mid air? So is this true? It only feels real...I sat awake last night just after midnight,
2005/5/17 More Random CommentsMore Random Comments Yeah, that's right Mickey, I'm using your idea ... again!! So anyone who would like to leave me a comment based on something not covered in the blogs, here would be a fun place to post it. Merci:) 2005/5/15 I skipped cloud 7 and 8. I'm on cloud 9. I'm so incredibly happy right now. I definitely have fair reasons to be. Last night was awesomely fantabulously fun. I don't remember ever smiling so much in one night. I wish I could include more details, but I can't on here. All I can do is notify you of how happy I am. I feel like everything's changed so much this month. And only for the better. Sometimes, even when you want out of certain things more than anything, but may be afraid to do so, you need to remember in the end, that all of the experiences which you came through were for a reason. And in the end, it comes down to this: If you weren't happy how something was going, you're definitely not going to be happy continuing through that something. You can certainly try to make things better, and I will encourage you to do so. However, it's not fair to yourself and others to continue to persue those attempts if they insist on being futile. You can't make yourself love, and you can't choose who you will love. It is a mystery how that happens. And to inflict that choice on the far beyond incapable mind of one's self would be pointless, useless, and anything but worth your time and feelings. People grow and change. It is an inevitable fact of life. You shouldn't dread that change though. What may have once worked, may no longer. And what may not have worked before, may work in the future. For the most part, the world won't be out to get you. And I am certain no matter what path you may choose to walk down, you will be able to get off at any time. There is not just one soul path to happiness. Just understand, that sometimes, we can only experience true happiness after getting the first shock of pain. Its like a hot tub:) lol. You can't just jump from the pool into the hot tub without the first initial erm.. "sizzle-effect" heh. But see, once you ease yourself in... it feels really nice, and in addition, quite comfy. Mmm comfort, thats another thing about last night. I've never felt so... me. Like, I never had to put less thought into what it was I was going to say, or do. All of my words and actions just flowed out on their own without me giving them a moments thought. It was just that relaxed, and I loved every minute of it. Its like falling, but landing on a pillow; you're afraid to land incase it might hurt, but then you realize, "Hey, its not that bad, and the ground is pretty nice down here." Hehe. Life is pretty:) So, I know that if you've been following my blogs you've probably realized by now that I haven't been the biggest fan of change. Well, maybe that can ...erm... change now. What can I say? Pessimism doesn't always beat optimism. Change was actually on my side this time. And as much as I may have been dreading change before, in reality I realize how much I was subconsciously anticipating it. It has only encouraged me to contemplate new opportunities, and be grateful for fortuity. A friend once told me that: "All you can do is relax and let things happen on their own. If you sit around worrying about life all the time, you're going to miss out on the good things that you could have done. You need to stop being scared, and just go for it." What a genious:). My friend was right. All you have the ability to do is let life unfold how it will. If you have no control over what will happen, then all you can do is sit back and make the best of it. And maybe, just maybe it'll work out to be pretty enjoyable. Until then, look at everything with the intent of learning something from it. Knowledge can be gained from everything. And on that note, I will depart; blissfully enlightened. iheartyou<3.. yah that's right. You. 2005/5/14 Promises promises...I promised (and I mean PROMISED) I would write a blog this weekend. Hopefully that blog being of some inspirational and somewhat thought provoking content, however it is not going to be a blog tonight. Well, this morning. *ahem* this very early 12:39 in the morning blog is just to notify anyone *ahem* matt.. lol who was awaiting the next post that it will have to come after my hw. tomorrow... *sigh*:p my friend's coming over too:) ;)... The one slight problem with blogging this weekend though, is I am somewhat lost for a source for my hopefully soon to be upcoming rant.. Well, I'll try not to make it a rant.. So, if anyone has any ideas please feel free to share them:) Signing out: Shinny needs a lightbulb. *bling* |
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